So if you want my fucking advice on how to fucking live the Straight Edge lifestyle, there's five basic things you gotta do:
1. Stay off the fucking drugs. No alcohol, no pot, no X, no heroin, no cocaine, no crack, no aspirin, no ibuprofen. If you've got a fucking headache, take a fucking Tylenol. No cough medicine, either, and no mouth wash...both contain alcohol, and both could get you drunk if you injested enough. If you're at a party and some punk offers you a joint, go ahead and tell him that "I'm not a chicken, you're a turkey!" shit like in the commercial, and when he's fucking laughing is ass off, that's when you punch the fucker in the balls and kick the living shit outta him. The Straight Edge has a zero-tolerance policy for punks; it says that on the first page of the handbook.
2. Stay off the fucking meat. No steak, no pork, no liver, no jerky, no anything that was ever fucking alive. Stick to fruits, vegetables, grains, poultry, and candy; absolutely no dairy products either. A lot of punks ask if swallowing jizz counts as eating meat. No, it counts as swallowing a fucking load of jizz, but's still off limits because it contains eggs, and eggs are considered dairy. If you ever have a fucking question about whether it's okay to eat something, two simple rules: 1. If it ever had a nipple or a dick, don't fucking eat it. 2. If it came out of a nipple or a dick, don't fucking eat it. Common fucking sense.
3. Two words: Community fucking service. Community service is a big part of being a Straight Edge; if you want to live the Straight Edge lifestyle, be prepared to do about 20-40 hours each month. After my boy Josiah and me burnt down that fucking McDonald's, we had to wash all the school busses in the fucking city and dish out soup to the fucking homeless. It wasn't even soup, I saw how they fucking made it and that shit was just salted water and shoe laces. But what the fuck, it didn't have any meat in it so I didn't fucking care, and it's not like all those fucking battered women, overweight hookers and old fucking winos gave a fuck, either. Another buddy of mine, Dave, got sent to the Wilson Center after he tried to run down a drunken frat boy last summer. That drunk fucker would've probably gotten into his car and killed somebody that night if Dave hadn't paralyzed him from the waist down. Today, Dave does lots of community fucking service.
4. Get fucking educated. If you're saving your brian by not fucking drowning it in booze or shorting it out with the fucking crackaine, don't fucking waste if by watching fucking TV or movies or shit like that. Read a fucking book or go to a fucking museum once in awhile. I just got done reading a fucking awesome book called "Superfudge" by Judy Bloom that I totally fucking recommend, and now I'm starting on a new Fear Street one by R.L. Stine. The guy is fucking bad-ass! If you haven't read all his "Goosebumps" series you're fucking missing out on some wicked shit! Also, spend some time listening to classical works from composers like Beethoven and Minor Threat. Music is brian food.
5. Do your best to keep yourself and those around you clean. When you get done kicking the shit out of some fucking punk who was smoking behind the bus garage, wipe his fucking blood off your hands and boots before you leave the fucking scene. It's just more common fucking sense: If you walk around town with blood dripping off your fists and clumps of hair dangling from your fucking boots, it doesn't do much to improve the public's misguided perception of Straight Edgers as a bunch of violent thugs. And the fucking media isn't gonna stop calling us fucking hoodlums unless we stop beating people up on camera. I know I'm just as guilty of this as the next guy, so I'm not fucking throwing stones, I just think it would help make the movement look more fucking respectable and shit like that.
There you have it, kids, five fucking steps to living a Straight Edge lifestyle. If you punks have any fucking questions or awesome porno, shoot me an email, else just shut the fuck up. And I'll be back next month with more news and views from the Straight Edge of Salt Lake City.